SUMMARIZE!
Why Don’t We Listen Better? by James C. Petersen (2015) is a book that focuses on the listening aspect of communication. Learning to be a good listener by applying the techniques that are outlined in this book can improve relationships across the spectrum of our professional and personal lives. Dispersed throughout the book are thirty three “listening techniques” that are described and detailed in a manner that encourages practice. In part one of the book, Dr. Petersen introduces his “Flat Brain Theory of Emotions” (p. 19 – 26). His theory maintains that our communication proceeds from our stomach (feelings), our hearts (what really matters to us personally), and our heads (what we know or judge to be true). When our emotions or feelings become heightened, Petersen describes a constellation of symptoms that he has coined “the Flat-Brain Syndrome” (FBS) (p. 29 – 36). The symptoms can be either positive or negative based on what emotion is at the center of them, but the result is that “our mouths tend to enter hyper-drive” (p. 48) and what comes out is rarely rational. Petersen helps us to identify and manage the FBS before it leads to what he describes as the “Flat Brain Tango” (p. 48 – 54) where the “dancers” go back and forth, damaging one another by alternating between accusing and defending.
In part two of the book, Petersen (2015) offers a technique to de-escalate negative communications and help people return to the realm of the rational by utilizing a neatly packaged tool called the Talker-Listener Card (TLC) (p. 77 – 145). This pocket sized card has ground rules for the talker, the party with the strongest feelings or the one who “owns the problem” (p. 89) and the listener, the party who is “calm enough to hear” (p. 90). He also provides grounds rules on the card for both the talker and the listener. The talker must share his or her thoughts or feeling without accusing, attacking, labeling or judging and the listener must do so without agreeing or disagreeing, advising or defending (p, 89 – 90). It sounds simple enough but Petersen admits that this takes practice and readily encourages that. He provides practical techniques to achieve the goals of the talker – to share their feelings and thoughts – and the listener – to provide safety, to clarify, and to understand – all of this with a touch of wit and humor that make this an enjoyable read. One of my favorites is the “Hem and Haw technique” which keeps the listener from “grabbing the problem” and allows for the one who owns it to “solve it themselves” (p. 100).
In Part three of the book, Petersen (2015) introduces “advanced listening techniques” (p.147) that include ten common communication traps (p. 149 – 163) that for the most part are not intuitive but deliver a bit of an “ah ha” moment when studied. He follows these up with “a few essential listening modes and attitudes” (p. 165 – 170) to keep the communication flowing. Lastly, he really delivers on several common but difficult communication situations in which most of us find ourselves at a loss for words such as “after a death” (p. 175), “when someone breaks down and cries” (p. 173), “after horrific loss” (p. 179) and “when someone hints at suicide” (p. 193 – 194).
“So What?!” This book on communication focuses mainly on listening. That sounds so “passive” in this “Just do it!” and “Just say it!” society that we live in. It makes you want to ask “So what’s in it for me?” or “When is it my turn?” In the last chapter of the book, “Beyond Skill” (p. 247 – 252), Petersen (2015) shares the characteristics that can be developed, matured, and refined in a person who is a good listener. It is not so much knowledge or skill, but it is “empathy, genuineness, and warmth” (p. 248) and this produces fruit in us that ultimately everyone in our sphere of influence can enjoy.
RESPOND!
The Me I See NOW
The “what not to do when trying to communicate” (Petersen, 2015, p. 115) was especially convicting to me. So many times in communications with my family, both my flesh and blood and my “in laws” that sometimes feel like “outlaws”, I tend to be on the offense which automatically puts them on the defense. The “finger method” (p. 115 – 117) which involves pointing my finger at myself to avoid judging or accusing and to remind me that good communication is about sharing is a technique I am going to put in my “talker toolbox”. I have a son-in-law that God has put in my life to force me to practice this technique. He and my daughter are going through a very difficult time in their marriage. To say that they are “not on the same page” is a major understatement. In my feeble efforts to help them, the “you need to” advice that I have readily delivered to my son-in-law, for example, “you need to back off and let her come to you” and “you need to stop trying to be the Holy Spirit in her life” and “you need to focus on becoming more like Jesus Christ yourself so that when she learns to really love Jesus Christ, she will love you” has not been well received. I am going to focus on sharing my thoughts and feelings, so that they will know how much I love both of them and want their marriage to work, for example, “I remember how difficult life was as a single parent” and “I am concerned for your sweet children as I see how a broken marriage negatively affected my daughters in so many ways, the “ripple effect” of which still persists today”. I am going to focus on sharing my past experiences in a similar situation during my years of marriage which will allow them to passively learn from my mistakes.
REFLECT!
The Me I Want to See SOON
The “Flat Brain Syndrome (FBS)” in chapter four (Petersen, 2015, p. 29 – 38) provided an “ah ha” moment for me. Being a health care professional, syndromes and symptoms are important in establishing an accurate diagnosis which in turn is key to appropriate treatment. Petersen uses an oxy-moron to describe his FBS theory as a “serious, tongue-in cheek” look at how our minds and emotions interact (p. 20). I was skeptical at first, but became convinced a day or so later when I was perusing through some old family photographs of my brother’s wedding. My parents were born in Italy and we were raised in the Catholic faith. My brother, Dominick, married an Orthodox Jew. Neither side was happy about this union. I came across a picture of my father and mother walking him down the aisle in the wedding chapel. My father’s eyes were bulged and his mouth turned down. My mother’s head was lowered and her shoulders were slumped making her look like she was “carrying the weight of the world on her shoulders” (p. 41). Dominick’s jaw was clenched tight. I remembered the words that had been spoken before the picture was taken and I realized that I was looking at “flat-brain fallout (p. 29)”. In chapter five, Managing the Flat-Brain Syndrome (p. 39 – 47), Petersen (2015) shares ways to change from the outside in and vice versa. God’s word instructs in Philippians 4:8-9 (NKJV) with these words: “whatever things are true, whatever things are noble, whatever things are just, whatever things are of good report, if there is any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy – meditate on these things. The things which you learned and received and heard and saw in me, these do, and the God of peace will be with you”. Focusing on these things will help us to “straighten up physically and grow into it emotionally” (p. 43). I want to be known as someone who can handle emotionally charged situations with grace and dignity because I believe that the peace of God is a great testimony to those that we would like to reach for Christ. I want to be the listener more than needing to be the talker. Instead of owning my problems, I want to be able to give them to God and let Him own them because He instructs me to do that in scripture. “Cast all your care upon Him, for He cares for you” (1 Peter 5:7-9 NKJV). If as a counselor, my main message is going to be “imitate Jesus Christ”, I had better be a “Master Imitator” myself.
Listening without agreeing (Petersen, 2015, p. 133) was also counter intuitive for me because you would think that as a listener, it would be a good thing to agree. Dr. Petersen (2015) points out that agreeing is “talking and not listening” (p. 133 – 134). While the talker is sharing, instead of listening, we are trying to find something that the talker is saying with which we can agree. I was recently part of a job interview at my workplace and it is our practice to ask behavioral based questions to assess a candidate’s personality. The other pharmacist that was interviewing the candidate with me kept interrupting the candidate with “I agree”, “right, right”, “Sure” and “Yes, I remember a time when I encountered that exact situation” which she proceeded to describe in great detail. I noticed that while she was talking, the candidate was not. We were not able to achieve the goal of finding out what type of person this candidate might be to work with because she became the listener instead of the talker.
ACT!
Becoming the Me I Want to BECOME
First, I want to start by sharing the talker-listener card (Petersen, 2015) with my family in a fun and non-confrontational way. I am going to start with my five year old granddaughter because she loves to talk and I love to listen to her. Besides, she has not yet reached the age of cynicism and will likely view it as a fun game. In addition, she will definitely tell her parents, because I know that what happens at Nonna’s house does not stay at Nonna’s house, and perhaps their curiosity might be peaked enough to want to try it themselves.
Second, I am planning on introducing the concept of the “Flat Brain Syndrome” (Petersen, 2015) and presenting some of the techniques that I have learned on how to listen better to my colleagues at work. I will have an opportunity to do that when it is my turn to present at our monthly “lunch and learn”. It will be a fun topic and a much needed respite from new drugs and the painful clinical data that led to their approval. Not to mention the fact that when you add a “D” at the end of your name, you tend to think that your opinion is of paramount importance and you do a lot more talking than you do listening.
Third, I am going to work at being more open in sharing my feelings and thoughts without letting my emotions flatten my brain. I will work to be more open with people because I believe “as I open up more with people, they will open up more with me”. Sharing is an act of trust the moves us toward intimacy (Petersen, 2015, p. 105). For me, opening up and intimacy in the past has led to hurt and disappointment, so it is not an easy place for me to go. Corrie Ten Boom said “You can never learn that Christ is all you need, until Christ is all you have”. I have found that Christ is all I need and I love my intimacy with Him. He has never hurt me. I trust Him. I’m good! But, in order to grow relationally and in order to reach those who are hurting, I have to be able to be open and vulnerable. I need to keep the “human factor i.e. the heart talk” (p. 111) in my communications with others if I am going to be an effective counselor.
Fourth, I am going to seek out people who exhibit the qualities that I want to see in myself such as compassion, kindness, patience, self-control, i.e. the qualities of Jesus Christ, Himself, and I am going to try to carve out the time to be with them. This will be most difficult for me. I tend to be a bit of a loner when it comes to relationships outside of my family. I am new at my church of nine hundred plus people and that alone has made it difficult to connect. I was so excited about the last woman that reached out to me with a dinner invitation, but then disappointment set in as it became clear that she reached out to me, at least in part, because she wanted to sell me essential oils and not solely because she wanted to get to know me better.
But, change is always difficult and none of these goals can be achieved without the help of the Holy Spirit. So, fifth, I am going to pray for His leading in all my relationships. I am going to pray that He brings to mind the things I have learned and that He gives me real life opportunities to put them into practice.
References
Petersen, J. (2015). Why don’t we listen better? Communicating & connecting in relationships (2nd ed.). Portland, OR: Petersen Publications.
